9 Tips to Talk to a Victim of Sexual Assault
If someone close to you has been a victim of sexual assault, you may be feeling overwhelmed, heartbroken, and unsure of how best to help. It’s only natural to feel uncertain about what to say or do. As a lawyer who has worked with many survivors of sexual assault, I’ve seen how crucial it is for friends and family to have the right tools to support them effectively.
The reality is that sexual assault survivors who choose to take legal action are unfortunately forced to relive their trauma repeatedly which can contribute to more suffering. For this reason, it’s even more important that loved ones offer compassion, understanding, and the right kind of support without adding pressure or unintentionally causing more harm.
Here are some tips I’ve picked up from helping victims of sexual assaults.
- Start By Listening
It may sound simple, but listening is one of the most powerful things you can do for a loved one after sexual assault. When someone shares their experience, give them the space to speak without interruption or judgment. Sexual assault can be extremely difficult to talk about, so they need to feel they’re in a safe space where they can share as much or as little as they feel comfortable.
Phrases like:
- “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
- “I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk.”
- “I believe you.”
Try not to immediately take a solution-based approach. Offering up solutions right away can be overwhelming for your loved one. Sometimes, the best way to help a survivor is just to listen.
2. Avoid Asking “Why” Questions
When a loved one has gone through sexual assault, you may have a lot of questions but be mindful about how you ask them. Avoid “why” questions, like “Why didn’t you…” or “Why were you…?” Sexual assault survivors often deal with guilt and self-blame, even though they are never responsible for what happened to them. Questions that begin with “why” can unintentionally make them feel they have to defend or explain their actions.
Instead, try, “I’m here to listen if you want to share anything more.” This approach allows them to open up without feeling like they’re being interrogated.
3. Do Not Blame the Victim
One of the most important things you can do to support a survivor of sexual assault is to avoid any form of victim-blaming. Blaming the victim—by suggesting they “should have” acted differently or “shouldn’t have” been in a certain place—only deepens their trauma and feelings of guilt. Survivors are never responsible for the harm done to them; the responsibility lies solely with the perpetrator. By focusing on supporting them without judgment, you reinforce that they deserve safety and respect, and you help create a safe space for their healing.
4. Let Them Lead the Conversation About Next Steps
After sexual assault, it’s natural to want to take action—like calling the police, filing a lawsuit, or contacting a counselor. However, remember that it’s the survivor’s experience and choice. Empower them to make decisions about what they need and when they need it. Some may want to report the assault right away, while others may take time to decide.
A good way to initiate this conversation is to say, “If there’s anything you want to do or need help with, I’m here to support you.” This puts them in control while letting them know you’re ready to help if they ask.
5. Acknowledge Their Feelings, Whatever They Are
Survivors of sexual assault often go through a range of emotions—anger, sadness, guilt, shame, or even numbness. They may feel differently day to day, and that’s okay. Rather than trying to “fix” their feelings, acknowledge and accept them as they are. Each survivor processes sexual assault in their own way, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel.
Responses like, “It’s okay to feel that way,” or “I’m here with you no matter how you’re feeling,” can make a world of difference in showing you understand their emotional needs.
6. Understand Trauma Responses
Sometimes trauma responses to sexual assault might look different than you expect. Survivors may withdraw from relationships, experience mood swings, or struggle with memory and concentration. Trauma can affect the way the brain processes information and handles emotions. Recognizing that these responses are natural reactions to trauma can prevent misunderstandings and help you be there for them.
Reassuring phrases like, “I understand if you need space right now, and that’s okay,” show compassion and flexibility for what they’re going through.
7. Be Patient
Healing from sexual assault takes time, and everyone’s journey is different. Some survivors may want to talk a lot at first, while others may not bring it up for a long time. Their recovery might involve periods where they want to be alone, followed by times when they need more support. Patience on your part can be a stabilizing force in their life.
Simple check-ins like, “I’m thinking of you, and I’m here if you need anything,” can let them know they’re not alone without putting pressure on them to talk.
8. Remind Them That They Are More Than Their Experience
Survivors of sexual assault sometimes feel defined by their trauma, but it’s important to remind them of their identity beyond what happened to them. Sexual assault is part of their experience, but it doesn’t define who they are as a person. Remind them of their strengths, resilience, and all the things you admire about them to help them reconnect with their own sense of self-worth.
Even a small comment like, “You’re one of the strongest people I know, and I admire that about you,” can make a big difference in reminding them of their value and resilience.
9. Educate Yourself on Legal and Counseling Resources
Having a general awareness of resources for survivors of sexual assault can make a big difference. This doesn’t mean overwhelming your loved one with information, but it can be helpful to know what’s available if they ask for support. There are numerous resources for survivors, ranging from hotlines and counselors to legal aid and advocacy organizations.
National Hotlines like the National Sexual Assault Hotline provide support and can answer questions survivors may have about their options. Local options can also help survivors find resources and communities in their area. It might also be beneficial to search for potential counselling/therapy options. Many therapists specialize in trauma and sexual assault recovery.
Taking the time to research legal options may also relieve your loved one of a lot of stress. The legal path for a survivor of sexual assault can be overwhelming. There are lots of resources online explaining when or where to report an incident, whether a case can lead to a lawsuit and what to expect during the legal process. When you have basic knowledge of these options, you’ll be better prepared to support them, but remember to let them set the pace.
We’re Here to Help
The reality is that many sexual assaults go unreported because victims fear being blamed, face the threat of retaliation, or worry they won’t be believed. At Carter Law Group, we want to empower survivors to come forward. Together, we can hold perpetrators accountable for their actions and help you get the support and justice you deserve.
Sexual assault leaves deep, lasting scars that can’t be erased. While a civil lawsuit can’t undo the harm, it can help meet critical needs that often go unaddressed in criminal cases, such as covering medical expenses, funding emotional and psychological recovery, and providing a sense of accountability and closure.
If you or a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault, call our line for a free consultation or submit your case to our website. ..
